Archive for April, 2009

Monday, April 27th, 2009

Time goes by awfully slow, and I can’t seem to breathe.
My bad habit of counting hours is hurting me too. It’s been less than 48 hours since Milan passed. 48 hours ago, he was probably on top of our refrigerator looking out of window, beautiful sky and probably some chubby birds and squirrels.
48 hours ago, I’d come home and he would be waiting for me right by the door and start crying as soon as I open the door.
48 hours ago, I’d wake up and I’d start hearing Milan crying for food so loud that I’d almost think it’s a bit annoying.
Kiki wouldn’t have been crying like I’ve never heard her cry. Kiki wouldn’t have been running around crying. she looks so lonely, like I am.
It’s so so hard to believe Milan’s not here. I was so sure that he would live for a long long time and become a great brother to my unborn child, he’d teach my kids about loving animals. I never knew his life would be such a short one. Short one that we couldn’t do anything about.
Milan was such a special kitty to me. I’d imagine people would find it weird or hard to understand, but I always felt this special bond with him, that i never felt before. I felt so connected with him. He was always there for me and I’d like to believe I was always there for him.
Whenever I call him he came to me, whenever I come home, he was there waiting, whenever I wake up, he came in bed, whenever I get up, he cried for food but he didn’t cry until I get our of bed, he just snuggled when I just wake up, whenever I cry, he came out of nowhere and just gets on my lap and sleep. I go to bed and he came sleep in my left arm.When I get on computer he’d come sit on my lap, even though he looked very uncomfortable. I sit on a couch and he comes lying on my lap,I cook and he comes check to see if he’d like the food, I go to the bathroom, he came in with me, I take shower, he waited outside.
Everything I did, he was there.
But now I cry, I don’t hear his name tag making noise any more, I don’t see him coming out of any corner.
How did I get so lucky to have him around? I was such a happy person with him, he brought me so much, so much joy in my life. I didn’t even know I had so much love inside me.
He opened my eyes to the animal right issues. I gave him all my love, there’s no regrets when it comes to how I ever treated him. I couldn’t have ever loved him more than I have and I always showed it to him, there was no days that went by without me saying “I love you, Milan”. There are, many regrets, that there might have been so much more that I could have done for him. I wish I could have spent more time with him this last 2 months.

Why do I feel so suffocated? It’s so painful. I keep crying so much I’ve been taking aspirins every 4 hours. I just wish this was all a terrible nightmare, but I wake up and this nightmare still goes on.
It hasn’t even been 2 days. the daytime is hard enough, but the night is the worst. The house is too quiet and too still without him, I can’t stand it.

I thought it might be easier if I could fall from steps and forget everything, but, I can’t forget. even though this is the awful pain I can’t stand, he was such a huge part of who I have become, and we have so many many wonderful memories. someday, I hope, I will be able to cherish them without the pain. He will live inside me and, we will be reunited when I leave this world. He might have to wait for a while, but I’m positive he won’t forget about me. and He will always be the most special kitty I’ve ever had who loved me back.
Soon I will upload the huge list of what he used to do. I’m aware, that my memory will fade as time goes by and as I age, but I want to be able to remember everything, everything he did, everything I did with him. All the great memories I shared with him.

This entry is for me to write out my feeling and feel better, I will probably write more soon, but, thank you for reading this post.

Rest in Peace, Milan. Thank you so so much for being my special kitty who changed my life forever. I will always always love you, I will see you again, wait patiently for me!